To date, or not to date?
For many students university life is a time of freedom and the opportunity to develop as persons. This includes dating and making new personal connections. But dating can have some unexpected consequences, good and bad.
On the negative side, these include unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, effects on finances, academic stress, social pressure, behavioural changes and getting involved in the hook-up culture. On the positive side, it includes higher self-esteem and more energy.
According to the triangular theory of love, developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg from the United States (USA), the three components of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy encompasses feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. Passion is connected to both limerence (a state of mind that can include obsession and fantasies) and sexual attraction. Commitment is the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, is the shared achievements and plans made with that other person.
In a study at the University of Cambodia, it was found that dating in university can motivate students to study harder, benefit their mental development, and help them find support as an outlet to release their stress. However, romantic relationships in the environment of the university can also negatively impact students.
Thandiwe Twala, a master’s student in social anthropology and intern lecturer at the NWU, spoke about her experience of dating and the positive influences of relationships. She said that there can be positive social implications attached to relationships in university. “Students tend to associate feelings of love and intimacy with happiness, which in turn is a good and positive social implication,” she said.
According to Twala, sociology says that a student who is happy and surrounded by feelings of love is more likely to have positive self-esteem and high energy. Relationships can bring positive change to the student’s academic life and even introduce them to an inspiring circle of connections if the intentions are pure and real.
Although there may be advantages to relationships in university, there are also disadvantages. Amongst several factors, cultural differences can cause complications in the development of relationships.
Twala said that intercultural relationships have increased over time, so people are starting to date outside their culture. The development of a relationship stems from the ability to communicate comprehensively at the initial stages of interaction. For instance, upon first interaction, if both students like spending time together and embrace the differences in their cultural backgrounds, they are more likely to develop a functional relationship.
Students who are dating or have dated while at university shared some of their experiences with threestreamsmedia.
Carol Moralo (23), a postgraduate student in economics at the North-West University (NWU), said, “at first, it was difficult balancing my academics with my relationship in the first few months of my current relationship. There are a lot of things we’ve had to deal with and overcome during our time together.”
She said that she was physically unavailable for her friendships and emotionally unavailable for her relationship because of the demand of her academics. Moralo expressed this as an unhealthy relationship, leaving her partner questioning the love she has for him.
Moralo said that with the many social pressures and influences, it was important for her and her partner to discuss what their state of mind was when entering their relationship.
Many students use dating in university as a means of escaping from academic realities.
Speaking about her relationship experience, Katleho Marumo (21), NWU alumna, said that seeing other couples in a relationship put strain on her relationship, indicating that in most cases she would envy other people and wanted her boyfriend to act the way other couples acted.
“I remember being angry at my man because I had seen this other happy-looking couple on campus, in a picnic set up, and I asked myself … why can’t my boyfriend do the same?” she said. She explained that she felt pressure to shape her relationship into looking like the couples she saw on campus, even though she was unaware of what the other couples’ experiences were.
Thatohatsi Molefi (23), third-year NWU BCom economics and international trade student, said that “dating in university has an effect on the amount of time you have for academics and your social life”. He indicated that this is because a partner requires your time and having an adequate schedule that balances your academics, social life, and love life adequately is crucial.
Molefi said that a relationship is secondary to academics and that it always takes up most of your time. He adds that academic stress is also a crucial element that led him to want to have someone he can share his stress with and show his vulnerability.
Hook-up culture
Hook-up culture and pregnancy statistics in South Africa have shown several negative effects on students, contributing to the high rate of premature parenthood and the risk of infectious diseases.
Reneilwe Maleshane (20), NWU BA in behavioural science with sociology and psychology student, described hook-up culture as casual sex encounters, for example one-night stands, which doesn’t involve emotional attachment and that doesn’t lead to committed relationships. She said that these encounters enable high body-counts, which is the number of people one has had sex with, and add to sexually transmitted infections.
A parent’s perspective on pregnancy
“Sending a child to university for education and them coming back with a pregnancy was heart-breaking,” said a parent whose child became pregnant in her first year of university.
“You don’t know how disappointed I was to see my child heavily pregnant. Coming all the way from the cities with those results, I expected academic results and not a child,” she said.
The mother explained how she became the talk of the town over her child’s pregnancy, leading to people in her village questioning her parenting skills. She told threestreamsmedia that her daughter went back to her studies a year after giving birth. “She had to stay home until we could send the child to crèche, as I too had to go to work and couldn’t take care of the child for her.”
Falling pregnant whilst studying
Makgotso Tseladimmitlwa, a communication graduate, spoke of her experience of pregnancy during university, stating that she was very disappointed in herself. “Being pregnant while studying was draining to be honest, but, fortunately, I fell pregnant during the peak of Covid-19 and things were better because I was able to juggle school work, as well as pregnancy, while at home,” said Tseladimmitlwa.
She continued that pregnancy contributed to her mental health. She said that she had to deal with a lot of emotions which affected her pregnancy. She suffered from prenatal depression, and although her pregnancy was “work”, she continued to say that her family accepted the pregnancy without any complaints.
Tseladimmitlwa advised students who fall pregnant while studying to not drop out of university. She said that they should remain motivated due to the fact that they are bringing life into the world. She added that those in sexually active relationships should always take necessary precautions to avoid falling pregnant in university.
Stealthing
A study done at the North-West University stated that male students are most likely to be dominant in sexual activities. However, although male students are dominant in sexual activities, they tend to use protection. The study shows that female students are less likely to use protection during sexual intercourse.
A fourth-year bachelor in education student (25), who asked to remain unidentified, said that in her experience, most male students she had been with do not like protecting themselves in sexual intercourse, saying that the condom “hurts them”. She said that most men “prefer it raw”.
When she participated in sex, the student said that her then-partner did not tell her that he had removed the protection until she discovered she was pregnant. – By Ntokozo Khanyi and Reitumetse Mooki
Very interesting article. Very thought provoking