Narcissists: ‘Run as fast as you can’
Living with a narcissistic partner is more dangerous than society perceives and can cause permanent harm to silent women, writes Denise Robertson.
Until the end of 2019, a 50-year-old mother of two boys had to live in unbearable fear of their toxic and abusive father. She had to protect herself and her children from a man she describes as evil, egocentric, self-obsessed, alcoholic, manipulative and a pathological liar.
The words his lips muttered to her on the night she reached breaking point, she remembers to this day. That night, in front of a crowd of friends, he humiliated her: “I challenge you. You will walk out with nothing. You will crawl back to me. I will even make sure you have no food to eat,” he threatened, struggling to stand on his feet.
After realising she must escape the marriage for the sake of her own survival – and succeeding, it took her five long years to recover. Several therapy sessions, help at a neuro-clinic and the support of her children, friends and family brought her through the darkest time of her life.
When asked what advice she would give to other women in similar situations, she answered without hesitation: “RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM A NARCISSIST!”
Narcissism is a personality and behavior disorder (NPD) in which a person is very self-centered, inflates themselves and lacks empathy, according to Simone Meyer, a specialist wellness counsellor and founder of Oh Courage Counselling Service.
“One can detect NPD in a partner who is very entitled, and who expects special treatment for themselves and nobody else,” Meyer said. “They only want to mingle with people who they see as ‘cool’ as them and they are very superficial and extremely concerned about their appearance.”
No matter their age or profession, narcissists are prone to throw tantrums, as they lose their temper quickly if they don’t get their way. “They are hypersensitive to criticism and they can easily give it out but can’t receive it back,” she added.
The scary part of this disorder is that most narcissists do not want help, because they don’t know they need help, according to Meyer. “In these cases, their loved ones or partners try to help them. However, many times a narcissist has to hit rock bottom and realise they need help and that they struggle with narcissistic behaviors,” she said.
Christine Hammond, a professional psychologist who writes for PsychCentral, agrees with Meyer and argues that verbal abuse is a “favorite tactic” of narcissists. “For a narcissist, words are used to instill fear, intimidate, manipulate, oppress and constrain. Swearing and threatening language come easily to the narcissist when a person refuses to do what they want. But if the victim tries to use the same method, the narcissistic verbal assault will amplify,” she wrote.
One of the signs to look out for to know whether you are dealing with a narcissist is the manner in which they speak. “The manner of a narcissist’s speech is argumentative, competitive, sarcastic and demanding. They will frequently interrupt, talk over a person, withhold key information, bully and interrogate. Many times the verbal assault will be so rapid that the victim does not have the time or energy to fight point by point. This is precisely what they want,” Hammond said.
As a result of the verbal abuse, the victims feel they can’t ever win, are always in the wrong, have a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, constantly walk on eggshells, are fearful of their response, and are embarrassed by their behaviour, according to Hammond.
Dr Sarah Davies, a London-based counselling psychologist and author of Never Again: Moving on From Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships, says in an opinion piece published by the South African Mail & Guardian that being with a narcissist feels a lot like being on an emotional rollercoaster — and if you stay on for long enough, it will leave you sick.
According to Davies, individuals experiencing narcissistic abuse become anxious, nervous and depressed, their self-esteem is shattered, they lose the confidence to do the things they once enjoyed and they become isolated and lose touch with their social support network of friends and family.
“An important first step in moving on from narcissistic abuse is to arm yourself with information. Learning about narcissism and how to recognise narcissistic abuse is essential in beginning to come to terms with the issue and in understanding the nature of this toxic dynamic,” Davies said.
Davies agrees with Meyer that NPD is not easily spotted or cured. “Many people get stuck in the hope that things will change or get better. This is often fantasy thinking and it’s important to get a grounded, realistic perspective on what is happening. If you suspect that you are in an abusive relationship, then seek support from people you can trust — friends, family, peer support groups and a professional,” she added.
The 50-year-old mother who tolerated constant narcissistic abuse for decades, advises other victims to not just run, but to feel empowered and take control of the situation: “Read as much as possible on narcissism and empower yourself to stand up against these persons. And then the most important thing is: when you break through and escape the relationship, there should be absolutely no communication. If there is, it must be through emails so that everything is in writing. This will prevent them from lying about what has been said and they cannot telephonically talk to you or manipulate you with emotions,” she said.
I was happy to hear that it is currently going well with this amazing woman, as the death of her narcissistic husband at the end of last year lifted a heavy burden off her and her children’s shoulders. In a message to thank this inspirational source for talking to me, she replied: “Anytime my dear, us women, we are VERY strong.”
