Advice for partners of people with depression

Breathing deeply with obvious unease through the phone speaker, a 24-year-old call centre agent from Johannesburg could hardly control her emotions and the hurt of having to deal with a partner with depression on a daily basis. She sniffled. “Honestly speaking, I’m only staying in this relationship because I feel sorry for my partner,” she said, her voice breaking.

Depression is a serious mental disorder, and refers to a wide range of mental health conditions that can negatively affect an individual’s mood, thoughts and behaviour. It significantly impacts a person’s day to day functioning as well as physical health, and it can last for a long period of time, said Professor Hayley Walker-Williams, the North-West University’s deputy director of the School of Psychosocial Health in the Faculty of Health Sciences.

“Depression is understood to significantly impact the person’s day to day functioning. We need to advocate to fight mental illnesses because they are as debilitating as physical illness,” Walker-Williams said.

Depression can lead to suicide if not given attention and treated swiftly, according to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) on their website.

Having a partner or living with a spouse with depression comes with a lot of challenges. In a study by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), it was found when one person in a relationship has depression or anxiety disorder, it causes relationship problems that can lead to prolonged arguments and withdrawal from previously shared activities, as well as a lack of intimacy.

“My boyfriend has for some time been going through severe depression, attributed to a toxic family environment he’s constantly exposed to. I try to be supportive in any way I can, but it gets exhausting and emotionally draining,” the call centre agent, who prefers to not be identified, said.

“I always feel hopeless, trapped, and to some extent I think his depression is rubbing off on me, because lately I also feel depressed, moody and I go off on little things that under normal circumstances wouldn’t even move me,” she said.

According to the ADAA, some of the emotionally damaging experiences of living with a partner or spouse with depression include retreating from family activities and social activities. One partner may become the provider, both partners may feel depressed, sad, angry, bitter and resentful and they may also feel guilty for feeling that way.

“We have been dating for two-and-a-half years now and before this phase, we had an amazing adventurous relationship filled with happiness,” the young lady says. “Since having been diagnosed with severe depression, he only talks to me when he wants to, we don’t go out anymore and nothing cheers him up no matter how hard I try. Honestly speaking, I’m only staying in this relationship because I feel sorry for him.

“I badly want to end things with him because it is taking a serious toll on me, and I fear that I’ll be left emotionally damaged,” she said.

The ADAA says it is imperative and not self-centred for partners of those with depression to take care of their well-being by putting themselves first, not giving up on their own lives and interests, and to have their own support structures. They should set boundaries and let their partners know where limits are applicable in terms of finances, emotional and physical support, and seeking professional help for themselves if needed.

There are ways that people who have partners suffering from depression can continue to act as a support structure.

According to Walker-Williams, such partners should educate themselves about depression so as not to stigmatise the person living with depression. They should be supportive by listening and being available. “You don’t always need to solve the problem, rather find professional support and encourage the person to go and speak to a professional,” Walker-Williams says.

People battling depression should be encouraged to find a routine, eat healthy, exercise and try and be involved in a hobby, she says.

With the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic, cases of depression may increase and worsen in people who are already suffering from it. Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, director of the World Health Organisation, said in a news release recently that having personal problems to deal with, combined with the current ongoing Covid-19 pandemic can exacerbate the severity of depression and possibly initiate new depression cases.

“The impact of the pandemic on people who are already depressed and people with pre-existing mental health issues is devastating. Therefore, it is extremely concerning, thus the call for every country to work together with non-governmental organisations, to put mental health needs first, and to treat them as a main element of the reaction concerning the recovery of the COVID-19,” Ghebreyesus said.

Signs of depression

There are signs that people close to individuals suffering from depression should be wary of and Hayley Walker-Williams identified five categories of signs that should act as an alarm.

• The first category includes aspects that have to do with an individual’s mood and signs to be spotted include anxiety, sadness, and loss of interest or pleasure in activities they previously enjoyed, feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.
• The second category includes aspects that deal with behavioural issues and the signs include irritability, restlessness, or social / environmental withdrawal.
• The third category deals with the aspect of sleep and the signs include struggling to fall asleep or stay asleep, sleepingif they too much or cannot sleep, as well as restless sleep.
• The fourth category deals with general body feeling and the signs include muscle tension, headaches, fatigue and loss of appetite.
• The last but not least set of signs deals with cognitive aspects and the signs include lack of concentration, shot-term memory deficits, brain fog and thoughts of suicide.